A Child's Guide To Amusement Parks

It's summertime and chances are mom & dad are naive enough to take you to an amusement park. Here are some tips to help you navigate what promises to be a magical day.

1. Only agree to go to the bathroom whilst in line for a ride. In an ideal world, tell dad that you don't have to go before getting in line, enter the bathroom but don't actually go, and then either right in the middle of the line or right before you get on the ride, DEMAND to go to the bathroom.
   
2. Make sure to visit every single bathroom in the park. Only let it out every seventh stop.
3. In between, let out just enough pee so that mom & dad have to make a decision to change your clothes or not. Make them feel bad for considering leaving you in slightly damp clothing.
4. Once you are changed, immediately spill something.
5. Take a poop in the dirtiest and most crowded bathroom in the park. Take your time. You don't want to rush a bowel movement.
6. TOUCH EVERYTHING!
7. Demand to eat constantly.
8. Refuse any food offered.
9. Demand to eat the most expensive item on the menu. Mom and dad will splurge to make you stop whining.
10. Refuse to eat this food. Make mom search for the two year old crackers at the bottom of her purse. Eat those. But be sure to complain that the crackers are broken. Ask her to give you new crackers that aren't broken. After you are finished be sure to demand more for the rest of the day. When she says she doesn't have any more she is lying. Keep asking until you break her.
11. After you have left the "restaurant," or if you're feeling adventurous as dad is throwing it away, ask for the food you just spent twenty minutes saying you'd never eat.
12. Five hours later ask to try that one food that you have refused for the past six months but mom really wants you to try. After she smiles, buys you the food, and then waits for you to eat it, push it away and restate how disgusting said food really is.
13. Demand to ride every ride with a long ride. Especially the one's that you aren't tall enough to ride.
14. If there is no line, you don't want to do the ride. This is just simple economic theory.
15. When it is your turn to get on the ride, grab onto your father's leg and declare "This ride is too scary!"
16. Refuse to comprehend the concept of "closed."
17. Never ever under any circumstances agree with your siblings. If your brother wants to ride something, you simply don't. Pick a ride on the opposite side of the park - this is now your favorite ride.
18. At least three times throughout the day make sure that you and your sibling(s) go in exact opposite directions. Make sure this happens at least once on a mode of transportation.
19. Reveal that you really do like that one character that you've been indifferent to up until this point in your life. You simply must have this character's toy.
20. When you finally see your favorite character in the flesh refuse to take a picture with him/her or give him/her a high five. For the rest of the day complain about how you didn't get to meet your favorite character.
21. Strollers aren't there to make things easier for mom and dad. They are there for you to fight over. If your sister sits in a stroller, then that stroller is the one you want. After all, if the grey stroller was really so great why didn't she want to sit in it?
22. Only get out of the stroller while it is moving. Don't wait until mom and dad park the strollers - that's for fools. Just get out whenever you feel like it.
23. This might seem like a contradiction, but at least once during the day refuse to get out of the stroller. Just see what happens.
24. There are really only two times it is acceptable to walk. First, if you are in the middle of a really crowded walkway, hop on out and join the action. There is an energy to giant moving crowds that you just can't experience in a stroller. Be sure to wander away and step in front of several other strollers going in the opposite direction. And Second, if you are walking across the entire park and have three minutes to make it to the one show you absolutely MUST see. Let everyone know that you will have a major meltdown if you miss the show. Let them also know that you are WALKING.
25. Get lost at least once. No day is complete without a little mystery. Plus you've just increased your chances for getting something expensive.
26. Blame mom for it.
27. If there are water rides refuse to go on them in your swimming clothes. Wait until you've changed back into your street clothes before asking to go on the water ride only minutes before you refused to ride.
28. At the end of the day no matter how many wonderful and special things you got to do don't give mom and dad the satisfaction of telling them you had a good time. Instead focus on the one very small and insignificant thing you didn't get to do.

Follow these tips and you will have a day you'll forget in six weeks!